Which is good because I think things should get a little more private in here. How many entries did I embellish and make my memories seem much more fun and hide the fact that somewhere during the course of that day I was beyond miserable.
How pathetic.. I can't even put someone down where they can't see it.
But yes, most entries with Jeremy (especially as of late) mentioned covered up the fact that we probably fought that day and I only re accounted what was naturally fun.
Anyhow..
I was supposed to go to Midtown with Chelsea this afternoon but I get scared to enter the building. I will skirt Sony store with my life (Jeremy's work place) but still, if I were to see him I'd probably break.
I tried phoning him on Sunday (2 days ago) and he didn't ignore the call, nor did he pick up. He sent me a series of texts after demanding what I wanted, and that I took his heart, and made my own bed so I should lie in it...
Understandable.
Still, hurtful....
:(
I'm running out of steam trying to finish this entry. I haven't eaten yet but my heart is a little tired.
I've actually been quite melancholy the past week. I'm missing a feeling, not a specific person.
So...
There's this guy, named Tyrell. He's a beautiful soul, with a nice body, and the most optimism I've ever witnessed. He's sweet as sugar, and says all the right things, and makes me blush when he's near me.
Yet inside I feel hollow and upset that this perfect being that I somehow wished into life isn't charming me as it should because I am jaded. Because every compliment I ever received was on the back of a fight, that the only romantic attention I got was with an apology... These situations have actually buried themselves in my heart and I feel icy and guilty. I wish I could be more articulate.
Tyrell goes to school from 8 - 4 pm every day and I can't text him during class. I feel that I miss him now but perhaps I miss the attention of a person that likes me.
He's head-over-heels for me, I know this, he's said so and I feel rotten. And selfishly I feel the only way I'll ever warm up completely is through sexual or physical means. It's so wrong but I'm affectionate and until I know that I can curl up against this warm body and kiss those lips then I will feel desperate and lonely.
In his company I laugh more than I've laughed in years, we were able to lie side by side on my bed from 3 - 10 pm the other day without being bored. That has to say something.
I know I like him.
I really do.
I just can't wait until my brain follows my heart.
I want to go out in public holding his hand and showing the world that I can be happy again, and again, and again...
But yet I am frightened of people finding out, I am scared of Jeremy finding out, I don't want to hurt one or the other.
Hurt one by being happy, hurt the other by being unhappy.
I think I'm jumping the gun, I'm being selfish... I think I should be left alone.
He's worth so much more than my jaded heart... I don't feel right when I'm away from him, I feel better near him. I hope he's not just a security blanket now.
I'm lonely.... with no reason to be.
I have too much on my mind.
:( I hate being sad.